Looking for the perfect Monkey Alarm? Perhaps you need a Trunk Monkey ...
Hey, are we Tourists or just Visitors? What's the difference?
Imagine a first-time baseball fan attending an Asheville (N.C.) Tourists home game, where the scoreboard could list "Tourists" and "Visitors."
Fortunately, the electronic scoreline is capable of listing "Tourists" and "Legends" or "Crawdads" or whatever.
Monkey's Guide to SportSpeak
What the coach said: We've got to find somebody who can score the ball.
What the coach meant: We've got find find somebody who can score. (What ... did you think he wanted to score his shoe?)
What the referee said when asked to comment: Not at this point in time.
What the referee meant when asked to comment: Not now. (Or: No.)
What the golfer said: What a beautiful golf shot. What a solid strike of the ball!
What the golfer meant: Nice shot. Good hit!
The best type of record to set ... and blame it on Marv Albert
Ever wonder why announcers, almost without fail, feel the need to say "new" when describing a record? "That's a NEW world record! It's also a NEW school record! And a NEW personal best!" Does anyone ever set an OLD record? ... Forget buying a vowel. Some folks need to buy an apostrophe-S. How did "Cleveland's ball" or "Pythons' timeout" become "Cleveland ball" and "Python timeout?" ... Sports crawl -- scores rolling across the top or bottom of TV screens -- is more sports scrawl. When the full width of the screen is being used anyway, why use team abbreviations such as UCF, SFA and USA? United Contact Fighting, San Francisco Amigos and United States of America, these are not. Central Florida, Stephen F. Austin and South Alabama, these are. On most crawls, the latter names will fit. On the few crawls where the names won't fit, these will: Cent. Fla., S.F. Austin and S. Ala. ... UCLA and LSU are easily recognizable. Two whose many fans think are easily recognizable -- UND and USC -- are not. Could be Notre Dame and Southern Cal, but also could be mistaken for North Dakota and South Carolina. Pls 0 txtg on TV!!!:)
On March 28, 2000, I was blessed to be able to donate a kidney to a friend. Actually, I had planned to wait until death to become an organ donor; in particular, I wanted someone to have my heart. Upon registering, though, when the nurse discovered that I was a sportswriter, she said I wouldn't be able to donate a heart, as there are no sportswriters who have hearts. She suggested I donate my brain, figuring that, as a sportswriter, it hasn't been used much.
But seriously, folks, I did donate a kidney. Today, the donated kidney and my remaining kidney are functioning fine. It truly is a blessing to all involved, and I want to encourage everyone to register to become an organ donor. When we die, we leave greiving family and friends. With the decision to be an organ donor, we have the ability to prevent the same grief for another family and group of friends. We can take part in a miracle, or we can send our organs to rot in a grave or burn in cremation. Have a heart! Be an organ donor! -- Monkey
Rules of the road
What's up with this road sign: Resume Legal Speed? If you're going to put a sign up, why not just post the speed limit? Maybe it's a ploy. A good way to catch the suckers who turn onto the route in the middle of town. Also a good way to catch the poor sap who simply doesn't recall what the speed limit was coming into town. ... At least the really important road signs are clear: Slippery When Wet. Who would have thought? ... From comic superstar and Akron Zips classmate George Wallace, try this line if you're stopped for speeding: "Officer, I was just trying to maintain a safe distance between my car and the car behind me."
Hey, Alan, who are your two tag-alongs?
Alan Stein, former CEO of the Lexington Legends and Omaha Royals minor-league baseball teams, swears this is a true story. While preparing to break ground for a new stadium in Omaha, Stein was chatting with Hall of Fame pitcher Bob Gibson and minority team partner Warren Buffett. A photographer asked if she could take a picture. The three men agreed. After getting her shot, the photographer turned to Gibson, who played college ball in Omaha (Creighton), and asked his name. Buffett roared with laughter. Until the photographer turned to Buffett, the Omaha-based billionaire, and asked his name. Gibson roared. As the photographer turned once more, Stein blurted: "And my name is Alan Stein -- S-T-E ..." The photographer interrupted: "Oh, I know who YOU are!"
Can too! Can not! Can too! Can ...
Football rules dictate that the ground cannot cause a fumble. Yet, we see it happen again and again.
Forcing the issue
How do broadcasters know that, on fourth-and-15 from its own 20-yard line, a team is "forced" to punt? Does someone have a gun pointed at somebody? Are hostages involved? And why do some teams ignore what has been forced upon them and -- gasp! -- run a fake punt play?
X marks the spot
Could somebody please show me where "the six-inch line" is on a football field? Or "the one-and-a-half yard line" for that matter. One official recently was heard to say that the ball would be spotted "at the six-inch-yard line." I've looked and looked but, for the life of me, the only lines I can spot are yard lines.
Good News, Bad News
The good news is that Toyota has found a solution to its gas-pedal problem.
The bad news is that floorboards must be removed, feet employed and drivers must yell "Yab-a-dab-a-doo!" when preparing to accelerate.